Most days, I feel very calm, present and peaceful – for a good chunk of the day.
So grateful, right?
Yet being in a body, and living as a human in this time and space, can be full of its opportunities to maintain said calm, present, peaceful state – each opportunity designed to teach us how to move from fear, to love.
We are here for this purpose – to move from fear (any form of anxiety small or large) to love (peace, joy, contentment). We are here to learn -unlearn really, and to live honestly and to know ourselves as children of Love.
So the fear then, often comes in the form of triggers. The comments, the looks, the things that don’t go as you want them too or think they “should.”
And with cancer, it’s the trigger of my body is sick, its not working, its having a hard time. I am not doing this right, and the list continues. This line of thinking, of course, takes me right out of the calm present and peaceful mode that I feel most at home in.
It takes me to discomfort, I feel anger, resentment, impatient, I want to run, I want to blame, I want to be somewhere other than I am.
Yet, I am here.
In the past, I would pretend my way out of it. Work and “make things happen” to cover up the discomfort….But it lingered like a cancer just forming under the surface, and I see so many of us doing this during our days and nights on planet earth. Just pretending its not there, like a pink elephant in the room.
It’s only in facing it, that we can transcend whatever “it” is.
For me, the denial of my discomfort – again and again, caused a low grade form of stress to be my natural state. This caused an acidic state in my body that was the prime environment for a cell that lingered too long before it died away, then instead it formed something new, degenerative and reproducing – something in form, something that multiplied and created more like it.
Until it formed a little home, a little community of madness – called a cancerous tumor, in my breast . In my heart center, that says A LOT, right? Our pain is our teacher, and if we deny it too long, it will cause a break down in our bodies, in whatever part of us is already weakened by life. This is why it’s been so important to me to go at this from a wholistic perspective – mental, physical, spiritual, emotional …
It is a tug of war, healing cancer naturally.
At times I am winning. I feel strong and pull it off course, the little ball of fear feels small and I feel very big, very confident that all that I am doing is pushing this needle in my direction.
Yet today, I learned, its not about what I am doing, although all that is important, its about what I am BEING.
Am I being lazy?
At times, yes, whenever I am not asking for guidance in that very moment that fear begins to tug at the rope in this game. It is either one, I am cultivating and working towards residing in Love, or I will default into fear.
It’s about not doing the work in my mind. Slacking, even a little gives the ego a wake up call. There is no room for slacking in this game, it takes committed vigilance, a disciple of the mind.
The ego takes the slack in the form of getting triggered and runs at full speed ahead, that’s what the ego does when we shift gears, when we are not “doing the work” and keeping track of what the yogi’s called the mindstuff.
I can see it, because we cannot, not see, especially at this level, that we are not seeing! So this whole time, we see what we are doing, but we don’t care somehow, or we don’t care enough to do what needs to be done to get to the other side. We have defaulted into a subconscious program, and that program now is on auto pilot.
We have fallen asleep, and need healing – we are dreaming the dream of separation, and it seems real. The stories, the characters, the betrayals, the fears the mistakes, they seem etched in time.
We sink deeper then.
Into the ego’s hook, of “it doesn’t matter,” or ” its his fault or her fault” or even, “if you could only get that couch you would be happy again.”
This is the spiritual ego – he uses your own intelligence against you.
It says, you’re not your body anyway, its fine, yell, scream, eat!
If that doesn’t work, cry.
Crying works though.
I remember hearing once, that tears are the gifts of the Holy Spirit.
We tend to think they are bad or weak or that after a certain age are immature. Society tells us, “don’t cry” and we think we have to do all these things, so there is no time for that anyway.
Yet if I don’t let the tears come, the anger grows, like a cancer. They are the adapted emotions of the masculine and feminine energy, and they set off the inner child in a spiral of loneliness and overwhelm.
Tears break through to the tenderness behind the fear. So don’t be afraid of your tears and the time it takes to cry them. The space it takes to feel them and release them from your memory. To give them to the Holy Spirit for purification – so that truth and honesty to be your natural state.
That no thought conflicts with another.
That there is only peace.
That the tears you cry are leading you Home, to Love.