I recently had this opportunity in my marriage to get to the root of it. I followed that root back to the “Garden of Eden.”
Perhaps you can relate…
We can be all cozy within our relationships. We exist in peace. We communicate beautifully: loving and honoring each other in every moment. Suddenly, there is that one comment. That “bad apple” falls and ruins the tree of moments we grew together. We find ourselves bruised amidst splintered branches and moldy apples. Where did we fall from? Why did we fall apart? How did we fall from grace?
So here’s the story:
After being away from my family while facilitating a workshop in Mexico City, I returned to Puerto Escondido in the state of pure love. It wasn’t because I had a pause from the day to day responsibilities of parenting and “being domesticated” Rather, I experienced the opportunity to fully be present in my energy without any interruption. I had the chance to watch the energy of people and circumstances flow with ease and grace.
By the time I arrived home, I was as high as a kite. The taxi pulled up, Dani was outside, looking really hot. The house sat high on the hill. The children were tucked in, asleep and safe. I thanked my lucky stars for the guidance and trust that delivered me to this place in my life where transformation felt so tangible and obvious. It would be ignorant (ignoring – it) to not acknowledge how beautiful all this life stuff is when we let go, and Let God.
Dani and I sat down for an evening snack. We swapped weekend stories: highlights from the workshop and snapshots from our children’s adventures. Suddenly, Dani skipped our tempo. He said something about our business that triggered me. I felt jolted me back to earth. I felt my chest tighten and my jaw clench. I knew that I was in trouble. Without any warning, I fell straight off of my high horse into the ditch.
This is the energy of resentment, instead of the energy of unconditional love. Had I been healed in this area, there would have been no trigger to pull. Yet, here the moment arrived to be healed. The trigger arrives again and again and again until we heal it. That is the trigger’s purpose.
I like to think I am advanced enough to know when I have “fallen from grace.”
Perhaps, I am not advanced enough to never get upset. I still get triggered. I still go there. Yet, I can see myself slowing down: closing in more and more on my processes. I step back and watch my fall from grace. I am closing in more and more.
I back into the resentment. I watch the thoughts flood around “him” and “his errors.” Swiftly, I ask for guidance. There it is, immediate clarity. I realize my resentment is about something deeper than Dani’s penetrating comment. Triggers only hint at the excruciating wounds we need to heal.
I heard, it is time for a “Forgiveness Process” with Daniel. It is time for some space to let the process unfold.
This one is big, “I heard.”
This discord transcends Dani and I. This disharmony travels back to Adam and Eve. In our modern relationships, we are grappling with an ancient hatred. Perhaps you feel it too, with your partner? This has to do with a “miscommunication” from the very beginning. This has to do with healing the feminine and masculine energies. This is big, indeed.
My present resentment stems from Adam blaming Eve for his eating of the apple. “She did it,” he said. Since then, men feel the need to dominate women. Women sense the need to be subservient – guilty for their “seducing.” He trusted her, she led him down the “wrong” path.
Yet, all of this is an illusion. It’s an illusion because both men and women need to take responsibility for our “fall from grace.” Each of us needs to heal our part in history, rather than push the blame off onto each other. Classic projection 101.
I see Eve’s side in my personal life and the lives of my clients. We have this authentic, feminine energy that needs to be the leader. This energy is loving, kind, grounded and patient. It is joyful.
This is the energy that gives, that infuses the relationship with direction. The man then “takes” from this energetic well. He produces from.
It is essential that the feminine energy is honored, not necessarily by the man (of course this should also occur) but firstly by the WOMAN! She needs SPACE to honor that energy. She needs “goddess time” to connect with her inner guidance and wisdom: her authentic voice. She needs time where SHE is nurtured by the Divine, instead of being the one who constantly nurtures others. From here, she can choose how to proceed in her relationships. Does he honor her? Or does he disrespect her? As long as she honors and respects herself, she will know what to do with “his” respect or lack thereof.
Either way, she needs to heal what’s blocking her from accessing her divine feminine energy. When she is presented with fear, what keeps here there rather than guides her to the path of love? Because that is all this is: his fear triggers my fear. My experience with Dani demonstrates my barriers to providing unconditional love. This is an opportunity to walk past the barricades into the land of limitless love. So I could remove it (well, I ask my inner teacher, holy spirit, God, whatever you call it – to remove this barrier – I asked that it be taken from me.)
Because it’s not about you/me/her. This is about what he learned from his mother, father and culture – and even deeper, it’s how Adam first behaved. This is the essence of adapted masculine energy – I am angry but it is someone else’s fault. The energy is Immature and unwilling to accept responsibility for the pain or discomfort he caused.
When we see this in men’s behavior, we need to respond differently. Instead of believing we are at fault somehow for his misgivings, and responding passively, we need to love men through it. We need to see to their authentic, divine masculine energy that’s hidden by the fear – in the form of anger, aggression, dominance or whatever form it takes…
Certain things are unacceptable now. We need to tolerate less abuse from others. We need to address our unhealed energy within ourselves! We do not get a pass at healing our trauma because we are tired. We need to be so anchored in the state of love that triggers only show us how to travel deeper into our truth. We dive deeply into our divine feminine energy.
We need to train men. I know that might sound a bit haughty, but it’s true. We need to give them more love by showing our unwavering commitment to our inner innocence, and theirs.
And men need to take it. They need to take it and run, literally and figuratively. So the question then is:
ARE WE WILLING TO HEAL an ancient hatred that we have been acting out since “time” began?
A Course in Miracles teaches us that, “The holiest place on earth is where an ancient hatred has become a present love.”
Thus, we begin to heal by letting go of holding the other to his or her fear-based thinking, feelings and behaviors. Sometimes, love says “no.” But love says “yes” more often. It says, “I see your fear, your pain, and your anger, yet I know its not real.
You are right, let’s look at this. Let’s gently shift the “fear” into an action we can take together. How can we turn the light on in a dark room – where is the switch- let’s look for it together. Let’s create a smart goal.”
For example, “you are right: let’s look at this. Let’s talk about this tomorrow, say 4 o’clock?”
Right now, let’s enjoy each other.
The authentic masculine sees authentic feminine. Yet we are often too “adapted” to act faithfully. I recall in my own family of origin observing the sadness (disharmony, anger, sickness) that transpires when we do not treasure and honor feminine energy. Adapted masculine energy encourages overproduction. An absence of sacred goddess time causes anger and stress. This is not natural. It IS natural for us to be at peace. So if we are not at peace, let’s start digging the roots up. At the base, you might find a bit of Adam and Eve in your bedroom too.
We are behaving as we learned to – starting with Adam and Eve – through the generations and cultures, we have been a part of: from our parents and what they learned from their parents, to right now: this relationship you are in Now. If you are not in a relationship, there is likely something that played itself out in your last one.
We are unfaithful and disrespectful to authentic masculine and feminine energies. Trust is absent. We are not sure we can show love and have our needs met. Healing is essential.
So to heal, women, we need to give more. We can do that because we are so full and spacious! We need to take the time to connect to our inner divinity. And Men, you need to take more. You need to take more love and guidance. You need to take more by trusting that feminine intuition. Eve didn’t make you eat the apple. She invited you to be curious about who you are and who you listen too. Which includes your own attention to your inner wisdom – men have feminine energy too – and women have masculine energy – the energies we are speaking to here want to be honored and equaly expressed.
Thus, as women, we will embody an energy free of guilt – centered in oneness and innocence. We are confident in its purpose to only love. We acknowledge our triggers, mistakes, judgements, and look to see where we can learn and grow.
You will find yourself, again and again, demonstrating the alternative. Instead of meeting your man in his fear, pull your navel in – stay in the love. Ask for guidance from your inner Teacher.
Say this prayer.
“I am open to seeing this differently.
I am open to holding the space while my brother moves through his ancient hatred and current fear.
I am strengthened by the Love that sees my holiness and his and keeps all things safe.
I am willing to see the Light in this man, whilst he shows me his fears.
Show me how to best serve us both in this moment.”
Then, simply BE the spaciousness he stepped out of. And thus, you will be the alternative, encouraging you both, to come back to the Center, where only Love is real.